What’s the only thing scarier than a roommate who is controlling your mind? Thats a good question. But perhaps this week I found its answer. I was sitting on my porch again… because its actually started to get cool again. And for all you skeptics out there, no I was not drinking root beer. I was drinking water. If there’s something wrong with that then just shoot me. Don’t literally shoot me though, its just an expression. Anyways, I was sitting on the porch drinking water, and doing my homework, minding my own business. I looked across the street and waved to some friends who were sharing my experience (of sitting on a porch) themselves. It was a nice afternoon, with a brisk wind and one of my neighbors came out of his door with his backpack on.
“Must be going to class,” I thought as I gave him a nice friendly wave and a smile… “At 7:00 p.m.???” It was weird, but hey whatever. I mean who schedules classes that late… really? Then I guessed it. Of course. He was probably going to study at the library. Thats why his backpack was so full. It all made sense now. I don’t even know why I cared really, I mean after all it’s not really my business. I watched as this particular neighbor got on his bike and started to ride away on his bike to… I guess the library. Then again he could have been going to Common Grounds.
But then something peculiar happened. Because he didn’t go to Common Grounds, and he didn’t go to the library either. He didn’t even go to Peter Piper Pizza(but then again, why would he?). As he mounted his Bicycle and started to ride it out of his parking lot (also my parking lot), he didn’t. Instead, he just started riding it around in circles in the parking lot. “Huh,” I thought to myself, because what else could I think at this point. You may be thinking to yourself, “thats not that strange,” but before you do think about it a little harder as I have. Is there anything strange about riding your bike around in circles in a parking lot…. Well now that I think about it, that is a little strange, but definitely excusable. The fact that he was wearing his backpack, while he was riding is the unnatural thing. He wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t need his backpack on. After taking the circular route through the parking lot about 7 or 8 times, he put his bike back and went back inside his house (backpack still on), leaving me with one question. What was in that backpack, and what in the world had just happened?
I’m sure you thought of the obvious explanations, just as I did. Maybe he owned a ferret that loved to ride on bikes, but had to be kept in the darkness of the backpack because its eyes had just been dilated. This was my first assumption as well, but after serious consideration I realized that there’s no way the ferret could have breathed in there, and it probably would have gotten backpack sick, just like us humans get carsick. Maybe he was really gullible and had bought the backpack from someone who told him that it was actually a jet pack, and only turned on if you travelled in a 20 by 30 yard ellipse at least 7 times without your feet touching the ground. Or then again, maybe he had just watched E.T. and had a bit of an imagination. Of course I’m sure you”re all thinking of the more obvious answer as I was: that he was actually a blind person in disguise and his backpack was a new development of balancing technology. He’d accidentally set it to the circular setting without knowing it, and had gone back into his house to fix it out of embarrassment.
Was it possible? Ya. Sure it was. It was just that I had talked to this guy before and I’m not going to lie, he made exceptional eye contact, which ruled out the blind theory. I was back to square one, with one choice. I needed to see what was in that backpack… Or did I? Maybe this time I just needed to let things lie and let people mind their own business. After all, I’ve never been a suspicious person so why should I start now? So I decided to do absolutely nothing about it. No investigations, nothing. But then the next night, it happened again. Next night. Same thing. Then I noticed something even stranger, because I think my neighbor started figuring out someone was watching him. He would always come out as he got on his bike, pause and then look up at me. I knew something wasn’t right, but I wasn’t about to poke into this psychos private affairs, even if they were in my parking lot.
Then one night something happened. Something I never could have expected. The guy came out, and rode around his bike, just like usual but this time he stared at me extra long, like he was upset or something, like he thought I knew too much. I waved and glared as I did. At this point in the story it’s important that you know something that not many people know, and that is that I recently installed what is referred to as an I.A.D.O.E.C.D.O.P.A. for personal reasons that will not be discussed. What do those letters stand for? For those of you who don’t know, its an “Interceptor and Decoder of Emails Containing Dangerous or Paranormal Activity”. At this point I’d owned the “Interceptor” for a few months now, and it had never really intercepted anything other than some junk emails. But for some reason, this particular night when I came in from the porch I decided to check the thing. I’d just gotten something. It was a picture message, and here was the picture.
Underneath the picture was a message and it was at this point I became very thankful that I had bought the decoder portion of the “Interceptor”, because without it, I would have been pretty helpless. Here’s what the message (decoded) said. “First landing successful. Back in the atmosphere now. One more night and we will have perfectly triangulated your location. Then we can take your subjects up with us.”
It was strange. I looked at the picture again, and then I saw it. The shadow on the car. It was, or was certainly similar to… A flying saucer. Look again if you don’t believe me, and see if you can deny it. The picture seemed to have been taken in front of the shadow of a flying saucer. How could this be? Then I remembered the message. “subjects… landing… take up…” When I intercepted this message the calibrations of the I.A.D.O.E.C.D.O.P.A. had been set to only intercept emails within a 50 foot radius meaning… exactly. There was only one thing to do now as I was pretty certain as to what was in that backpack. I had to save my neighbors from whatever it was up there. So that night, I broke in to my neighbors house, found the backpack and snuck out of the house the same way I had gotten in. Then I got in my truck with the backpack and drove to the lake. After tying a 50 pound weight around the backpack, I took it and threw it off the dam into the bottom of the lake. What was in it? I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I know is that my neighbors are safe.